Self belief

I haven't posted for quite a long time. That is due to a number of things. Life has been very busy and it has taken all my energy just to get through the day. I honestly haven't felt like writing.

I have had a couple of flair ups since Christmas and I am in the middle of one at the moment. I had arranged to go to the Vintage Fair in Boscombe on Saturday with two friends, At 3 am on Saturday morning I was woken by a pain in my hip and knee. The pain continued to get worse as the day progressed and by 3 pm it was agonising and very difficult for me to walk. With regret I left my friends to carry on browsing the vintage shops and had to return home. 6 months ago I would have been very upset and it would have completely ruined my day. Now, I have come to accept that this will sometimes happen. I try to take it in my stride and get as much enjoyment out of things as I can. It did cross my mind to call my friends and cancel but I decided to go ahead. My only worry is that I was being selfish and may have spoilt things for them.

Having more or less come to terms with the physical symptoms of my illness I am now struggling with some of the psychological aspects. The major one at the moment is my appearance and self confidence. I am stuck in a rut at the moment and I am resolved to get myself out of it. I rarely wear skirts anymore as I am self conscious. Sometimes my left ankle and left knee swell up to twice their normal size. OH tells me I should wear skirts and dresses anyway and not to worry about what other people think. Easier said than done!

The combination of age related changes and those brought about by my illness have made shopping for clothes a thoroughly depressing business. My two friends have recently started sewing. I have sewn since I was a small child. My Mother is a very talented dressmaker. When I was in my 20s and 30s I used to make a lot of clothes for myself. But I haven't done much dressmaking for the last 15 years or so. Now, watching my friends enjoyment of dressmaking has encouraged me to start again. I am hoping that will enable me to get out of my current rut. I will record my progress in my other blog 'A beader's life'.